Lonelines ....

Today the College and Career group went to the Edmonton-Saskatchewan game in Commonwealth stadium. It was a great time. There were a ton of people there, the weather cooperated for the most part, and it was some great football.

Now I suppose I should back up some because how does my going to a football game with tens of thousands of people around me relate to loneliness. Well I'm getting there. The past few weeks have of course been a large period of adjustment for me. I am now living alone, something I haven't done in a long time, and I am not looking at changing that for the time being. But as a result of this I have lost something ... a certain companionship in my life. This has been compounded upon my loss of having a girlfriend. With all of this happening I have felt quite alone.

This week has been especially bad for some reason. On Monday night we had the first large group bible study for College and Career. It was a wonderful time, I missed times like that, but I felt as though I was alone. Its the same as work. I am surrounded with people, I talk with them and share part of my life with them, but I feel as though I am alone when I am in these crowds. Now work is work, and its understandable that I don't find my intimacy there, I don't know if many people ever do and I am fine with that - at least for now. Now this large group bible study was great. I met a few wonderful people there, but for me meeting people is not where I find my intimacy, it is one I know them and I we are able to share some of the deeper regions of our lives together.

So tonight as I was watching the game, cheering and having a jolly good time, I found that I was not finding this intimacy there. I was around two of my three closest friends, but it just wasn't doing it for me. Like most College and Career events I expected that afterwords we would go out to some restaurant and just chat. Well it was my luck that this didn't happen (please note the sarcasm).

The interesting thing with life is sometimes things occur for a good reason. I do believe this was one of them. As a result of my eventual early trip home (which was only preceded with a trip to the grocery story and some driving around) I was able to chat with one of my best friends. Although MSN is a poor substitute for the real thing I find that sometimes I am more able to delve into my own thoughts there.

Earlier in the evening, as we were all leaving the game, and I had one of the strongest deja vu moments I have had in a very very long time. It brought me back to a dream, and from that dream I only remembered a few things. First of all through the crowd there was a lady who was dressed in leather, barely crawling through the crowd as she was beaten to a pulp, and there was an egg frying on her back. In lighthearted fun we tried to analyze what in the world this dream could mean. At this point I couldn't believe what it was being translated as. Beth mentioned that the leather could represent some sort of beating. I had no idea how in the world this could relate to me, but as the night continued I reflected more and more on this interpretation I figured out that it was actually spot on.

As I was driving I figured out that the lady was me, her back tanned like leather from a beating. So hot that you could fry an egg on it. The saddest part was that I was the one beating myself, which is so true. It is not uncommon for me to beat up myself right after some comment I make, something I do or what-so-ever.

There is more to say, but its late and I am typing more of this with my eyes closed than open. I don't know if there is anyone listening to this, or if this matters. But in some strange way I feel as if I am connecting to whomever is out there.

-A