My recent ponderings

Well, I finally have etched out an hour or so to write my thoughts down in this blog, so here I am.

Well the past few weeks have been crazy. I have been so busy it feels and I am being pulled in a million directions.

On November 11th I had my 6th month review, and it was all around good. I knew what my boss was going to say and do even before either of us walked into the room. He told me I was smart, smart enough to do my job great. I rarely have to be told things more than once, and my quality of work and quantity of work was great. The only thing he said was that I needed to work on my interpersonal skills and my empathy towards my coworkers. After he was done talking about this we discussed what my future looked like in Kiewit. What were my goals, where did I want to work, what did I want to do? I hadn't really thought about it much before he mentioned this. I knew what my goals were ... to be a lifetime Kiewit employee. Do I 100% believe that, not necessarily - but I also don't disregard it.

Since this review I have been thinking about his comments about where I need to improve. I guess its something that has been brought up a few times over the past few years for me. I have always wondered why I don't seem to fit in with people, and I have never feel as though I can be comfortable or make people feel comfortable around me outside of the church. For my whole University career I never really seemed to click that well with my fellow students. I never seemed to click with my roommates that I have had over the past few years either. I don't really know why, but that's just the way I have been.

As for where I am going to go from here, well I think it comes down to putting myself out there, being more risky than I have been, and making mistakes along the way.

So that was my review.

Work also has kept me busy with traveling to Fort McMurray last week, which really seemed to throw me "off my game". We flew up on Tuesday night and didn't get into the camp until 11:30pm (and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the 'camp living' up in the oil sands, it is a hybrid between your home and a hotel room). This in and of itself is not bad, but then I had to wake up at 4:30am so that I could have breakfast and be on the bus by 6:45am. From there we got to site and had our training (and we were able to go on a little site tour as well). We left the site at 5:00'ish and didn't get back to Fort McMurray until like 7:45pm. We then went out for supper and finally got back to the hotel at 10:00.

This was all then followed by 8:00am flights to Edmonton, and then a full day of work in the office. While I was out there, around all of my coworkers, I felt so very alone. I just couldn't ever seem to relate to them - which just compounded my thoughts on my friendship and how I relate to people.

So between those two wonderful situations, thats work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing what I do. It is a challenging and interesting job, I just want to know if it is what I am going to do for another 5, 10, 15, 20, or more years. With all of that being said, I did promise myself and God that I would stick it out for one year, so it will be interesting how the next 6 months go - to say the least.

So that is work. Full stop. Lets move on ... please!

I have been pondering a lot of thoughts to do with regards to my Christian walk, being spured on by a few different things. Since I don't know how to put it into new words, I am going to use the words that I wrote down on November 8th:

November 8, 2009

I guess that going up in the Pentacostal church instilled a yearning for "words". I always envied those people for whom ministers or speakers had words or prophecies for - whatever you want to call them.

I remember many years ago, sitting at YMLC (Youth Ministry Leadership Conference) and watching Jessica get 'slain in the spirit'. I alwayts have asked myself: why them, why not me? Am I not important enough for God to speak to me so directly?

Last night this was all brought back to the surface. I sat in the crowd, I stood on stage, and just yearned for attention. (I was at the worship night for College and Career)

The speaker spoke on listening to the Holy Spirit. It reminded me so much about Samuels Mantle. So I started a dialogue, and all of this flodded to the surface.

In response I heard ... " I (God) have given you all that you need for now. These people who I talk to so directly do not. Work on what you have already been given."

Dang! There are sometimes when someone says something and you get knocked down about a million steps - this was one of those times.

Nearly two years ago, a friend of mine gave me a word from God and spoke into my life. It was two pronged. First of all I was called to be a friend of God ... this is defiantly something that I have not been. I haven't even been a good son of God.

The second prong was an image of a dragon. According to Chinese folklore a dragon is a serpant who grabs ahold of a crystal ball, and on this ball was written 'Justice'. I have dropped the ball persay. As I sat there last night, I wondered what is it exactly that I need to grab ahold of. I don't know what it is, I guess I just have to keep on searching.

I still don't know, and I am still searching.

For tonight that is all, I have a million more thoughts .. but sometimes thoughts can't be expressed in any other way than just thoughts.

Thanks for listening.